


not the way i know you

by risquebusiness



Series: Dark!Dirk AU [2]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Bruising, Dark!Dirk AU, Dark!Todd is a mess, Dirk being worried, Discussions of abuse, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Helplessness, M/M, None of these things happen in this fic but they are mentioned and/or referred to, Other, Physical Abuse, Scarring, Some crying, This one is Dark!Todd and Our Dirk, Todd being angry, Violence, What there is is:, finally connecting, just a lot of talking, mentions of:, psychological abuse, some hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risquebusiness/pseuds/risquebusiness
Summary: Dirk found Todd, and that should make it easy, but it turns out that not all Todd's are created equal. As worried as he is about being stuck in a world that isn't his, he's given new reason to worry when hefinallygets Todd to talk to him about something other than how much he hates this whole situation, and realises that things might be worse than they'd first appeared. Somehow.In part two, they have a breakthrough, and Dirk realisesjusthow hard this is going to be.This is set in a Dark!Dirk AU where Dirk has been swapped with his alternate universe self. While our Todd is having a not so fun time with his significantly more violent Dirk, and our Dirk finally makes some kind of a connection to the Todd of this universe, which doesn't mean theylikeeach other, but it's a start.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After the last one some people have asked for both more of this universe, and an insight into how our Dirk is getting along with the Dark!AU version of Todd. The main story is _far_ from ready, but I've been writing little pieces as I go along, and thought I may as well post a couple of them for those who want to know. 
> 
> This is set (timeline wise) before "and now for something you can't take back", but universe wise it's in the Dark!Universe, and as such features Dark Todd and Our Dirk. Dark Todd is... difficult at best. Complex. Both very angry and very vulnerable and not sure how to deal with a Dirk who is very much not like his own, even though he is. You'll see. 
> 
> Part 1 gives Dirk (and us) some insight in to his and Todd's relationship in this universe. 
> 
> Part 2 gets more emotional, but they finally make some kind of connection even if Dirk hates what it means.

“Jesus Christ, how do you get _anything_ done?” they’re words he’s heard before, but never so scornfully and for a moment all Dirk can do is blink at him.

“I'm not really sure to be honest, it all seems to work out in the end though!” Todd does not seem impressed by his optimism, fake or otherwise, and while that's not exactly a new thing there's nothing of the usual fondness in his eyes. Dirk doesn't really know what to do about that.

“Right,” he draws the word out looking at him suspiciously. “And you don't… have _any_ control over it. At all.”

“Oh god no! If I did my life would be _so_ much easier,” his smile fades into a curious frown when he manages to process the words. “Does… do I, the _other_ me. Your me. Can he… _control_ it?”

Todd stares at him for a long minute, and Dirk can't work out his expression for the life of him, watching as Todd crosses his arms over his chest defensively and shrugs. “Something like that.”

Dirk can't help it, he rolls his eyes. “That's _so_ helpful. Thank you for that insightful response, Todd.” If it was a normal day Todd would roll his eyes back, probably shove him, _definitely_ tell him to go fuck himself. Today is not a normal day.

Todd _flinches_. He barely catches it, he seems to tamp down on the reaction as soon as it flares up, but Dirk sees it nonetheless. It’s something painful flashing over his expression for a split second, the way he draws back into himself. _Wrong_ , his brain supplies. Wrong in the same way that this Todd looks like he's been throwing himself into bar fights non-stop for a week. Wrong in the way that he felt when he’d caught a flash of scarring he _knows_ his Todd doesn’t have when he’d walked in on him changing. Something unpleasant churns in his stomach, Dirk thinks it’s a road he probably doesn’t want to go down.

“Yeah, well, it's not like you keep me informed of how it works,” he sounds like himself but he's not looking at him anymore, eyes cast down at the floor and Dirk doesn't like it one bit. “You tell _him_ how it works?”

It takes Dirk a minute to work out who he means, still preoccupied with his reaction. “I _would_ , sometimes I try to I suppose, but I don't really understand it either if I'm being honest. It's all a bit of a mess, really. I just follow the universe, and Todd-” he’s interrupted before he can finish. 

“He follows you,” Todd is looking at him again now, this time with a reserved kind of curiosity. 

“It's less of a _follow_ , more of a reluctantly being dragged,” Dirk hums but Todd shakes his head, shoulders dropping.

“It's following. He'd-” he bites his tongue, thinking over his words. “Do you- I mean- You _want_ him there, right?” 

It’s a strange kind of question, and if he’d thought about it for longer he may have realised that, but Dirk already feels himself smiling. “Of course I do, he’s _wonderful_. I don't know what I'd do without him,” he sighs. “He's- he's the best person I've ever met. Well, there's Farah and Amanda too, but _Todd_ -”

“Amanda?” Todd asks sharply, cutting him off for a second time and taking a step closer. “He- Amanda isn't… you _talk_ to her?” 

“Now and then,” he answers warily. “She's off on a bit of a crazy road trip with some psychic vampires and a strange… _creature_ at the moment, but she checks in when she can,” Dirk frowns at his expression. “Why?”

“Didn't he… fuck everything up?” Todd looks like he's seen a ghost, like there isn’t a word of what Dirk is saying that makes sense to him. If he didn’t like it before, Dirk _definitely_ doesn’t like it now.

“Oh, you mean with the lying and the stealing and the rest of it? They had a falling out over that of course, it was _very_ rocky in the middle, but it's better now!” It doesn’t appear to reassure him in the way Dirk had hoped it might. 

“ _Better_?!” he asks incredulously. “She said she _hated_ me. She said she never wanted to see me again!”

“Well, yes, but she didn't mean it! She was just upset, it was a bit of a shock, really. She came round eventually, you apologised, it's not _perfect_ but it's… getting better.” He takes a step forward if only because Todd looks far too pale for his liking. “Todd,” he keeps his voice gentle, “where _is_ Amanda?”

Todd shakes his head, breath coming in short as he sits down heavily on the sofa. “I don't know. We haven't- not since- _she said she didn't want to see me again_ ,” he looks wild, and Dirk sits down next to him carefully. Todd looks up at him, lost and accusatory all at once “ _you_ said she didn't want to see me again. You said-” 

Dirk swallows, making his decision and asking as carefully as possible, “what? What did I say?” because this is the furthest he's gotten with him so far, even if he doesn't like where it's going.

“You said it would better to leave her alone so I couldn’t fuck up her life any more than I already have. You said staying in her life would only hurt more, that I’d have to see every day how much she _hates_ me and you knew I wouldn’t be able to stand it. You said it would be better to stay with someone who actually wanted me around. That she didn’t- that trying to make her love me would only make it _worse_.” Todd is shaking, voice rushed and uncertain. Dirk wants to reach out to him but something tells him that won't go down well. He doesn't know what to do.

“Todd,” he asks softly, because they’re already well on their way down this path now, he may as well follow it through, that tends to be the way the universe likes to play him. “How- It’s not- the bruises, the… _rest_ of it. It takes time, for them to be old and new like that.” He can see where Todd tenses, hands clenched hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He doesn't _want_ to ask but he feels like he has to. “How did you get them?”

“Is that a _joke_?” he asks, the shaky vulnerability seemingly overtaken by anger and confusion faster than he can keep track of it. 

Dirk is quick to shake his head, eyes wide and speaking quickly. “What? No! No, I would _never_ -” 

“Don't you fucking _dare_ play that shit with me,” Todd’s voice is low and dangerous, but there’s more to it than that. He looks _hurt_ somehow. “You think you can come here and, what? Try and pick my life apart? Act like you give a shit about me when I _know_ you’re just looking for a way to get back? Well I want _mine_ back too, and I will do _anything_ to make that happen.” Dirk instinctively leans back when Todd moves into his space, even though he doesn’t reach out to touch him. “You might _look_ like him, but you’re _not_ him, which means you don’t get to question how shit gets done here. I don’t give a _fuck_ who you think you are, or how much you try to play me, I _promised_ him I’d never leave him, and even if it comes down to killing you to get him back I _will_. I don’t need anyone telling me _shit_ about how to live my life, especially not _you_.”

It’s so far from what he’s been expecting that Dirk just nods his head, hands held up defensively even though Todd had never moved on him. It’s a strange juxtaposition, the way he’s trying to intimidate without laying a hand on him. He knows his Todd has no issue with getting hands on when he feels the need to make threats, no matter how little he intends to follow through on them, but it’s almost jarring that he _hasn’t_ when Dirk can see how much he’s holding himself back. The set of his jaw and how hard he’s clenching his fists are a dead giveaway when he knows him so well, by all reasoning Todd should be about two inches away from his face with his hands fisted into his jacket at this point. 

But then _this_ Todd has layers of bruising around his neck that he’s almost certain he could fit his hands to perfectly if he felt so inclined, and if he adds that to everything else he’s seen on him so far he thinks he can understand why he hasn’t. The thought of what this _him_ is like is nothing short of terrifying at this point, and the fact that he could be with his Todd right now? If he thinks too much into that he doesn’t know what he’ll do. He’s just going to have to hope that whatever happened to _this_ Todd took too much time for the same to happen to his. Todd is stronger than that now, he’s getting better. He has to hope that will be enough. 

“Look,” he says, trying for once in his life to be the voice of reason. It’s really the only option left with Todd this wound up. “I want to go back home just as much as you want to get your me back. We already know that we work _reasonably_ well together, if the fact that we’ve been thrown together to solve mysteries in not one but _two_ universes is anything to go by, so wouldn’t it make sense to try and figure it out… together?” 

Todd still looks like he’s waiting for something to happen, Dirk doesn’t have the first idea what that is but he knows he’s not going to get it from him. After a minute Todd seems to realise that as well, only his response is less one of relief and more resignation. “ _Fine_ ,” he says after a moment, scrubbing a hand over his face. “But I don’t know how you expect us to get anything done when you don’t even know what you’re doing.”

This time it’s Dirk’s turn to shrug, “something will come up. It always does.”

Todd snorts, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. “I’m used to you taking a more proactive approach.”

“To cases?” he frowns, like the idea has never occurred to him. 

“To just about everything,” Todd says, shaking his head as he runs his fingers against the base of his throat absentmindedly. It’s a habit, he notes. 

Dirk hums thoughtfully, turning a playful smile on him when he says, “that sounds _exhausting_.” 

Todd watches him, brows pulled together when he opens his mouth only to close it again a moment later, expression softening into something close to wonder as he tracks the smile across his face. “Yeah. It is.” 

“Well. We’ll be having none of that then,” he’s relieved to have calmed the situation down for now, but given how quickly Todd had flipped he has no idea how long it’s going to stay that way. He seems to be permanently on edge from what he’s seen so far, and Dirk knows Todd isn’t exactly great at regulating his reactions at the best of times. He can’t count on anything. Still, something in Dirk’s chest aches when he looks at him, making him wish he could find a way to be gentle that wouldn’t make it worse. No matter how much Todd may want _his_ Dirk back, Dirk is starting to wonder if that’s really the best thing for him. 

“Great. Guess we’re just going to sit here and do fuck all then?”

“I’m sure I’ll get a hunch sooner or later. In the meantime, you look like you could use some coffee,” he says, and Todd looks at him like he’s never seen him before, which is something Dirk is becoming rapidly accustomed to. 

“I- Yeah. Sure. It’s-”

“Black no sugar, even though you prefer it with milk and two?” he smiles, it’s a familiar tease but not to Todd it would seem, if the way he looks like he’s just been slapped is anything to go by. 

“You know how I take my coffee?” if Dirk was violently inclined he thinks he’d like to have a strong word with whatever version of him Todd has been landed with, as it is he’s mostly hoping he never has to meet him.

“Yes, Todd. We _do_ live together.” If he acts like it’s normal maybe Todd will stop acting like it isn’t. 

“Yeah, but-” Dirk interrupts him before he can ruin his pretense. 

“Ah! No. The way you think makes you look cool, or the way you’ll _actually_ enjoy it, which are you having today?”

“Uh,” Todd still looks hesitant, like he’s waiting for Dirk to pull the rug out from under him, but he’s much closer to giving up arguing than he was before. “The second one, I guess.” 

“Good,” he nods his head decisively, thankful to have an excuse to be out of the room for a moment and ignoring the way Todd’s eyes follow him as he goes. 

He waits until he’s out of view before he puts his head in his hands. It’s getting obvious that this isn’t going to be as easy as he’d hoped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we have it, they're doing just _that_ well. 
> 
> I'm not really expecting many comments on this fic, but I'll take them if you have them and I appreciate them (and people's interest in this series) a lot. I might actually have a third part for this dynamic at some point, and I have some around for Dark!Dirk and Dark!Todd as well, but understandably they're _far_ darker. We'll see how these do first.
> 
> If for some reason you read the tags, didn't like it, and read it anyway you can keep those comments to yourself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last one some people have asked for both more of this universe, and an insight into how our Dirk is getting along with the Dark!AU version of Todd. The main story is _far_ from ready, but I've been writing little pieces as I go along, and thought I may as well post a couple of them for those who want to know. 
> 
> This is set (timeline wise) before "and now for something you can't take back", but universe wise it's in the Dark!Universe, and as such features Dark Todd and Our Dirk. Dark Todd is... difficult at best. Complex. Both very angry and very vulnerable and not sure how to deal with a Dirk who is very much not like his own, even though he is. You'll see. 
> 
> Part 1 gives Dirk (and us) some insight in to his and Todd's relationship in this universe. 
> 
> Part 2 gets more emotional, but they finally make some kind of connection even if Dirk hates what it means.

Dirk is trying to watch Todd surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye, but if the tension in his shoulders is anything to go by he’s fairly sure he’s been noticed. He’s never been that great at doing things stealthily anyway and this Todd is far more on guard than his usually is, but he hasn’t picked him up on it at all. It still doesn’t feel right to outright stare at him though, so he continues his surveillance from across the room while they both try to pretend he’s not doing it. 

It’s been days now, and while things aren’t really looking up for either of them Todd’s bruises at least seem to be healing. Not that he appears to be soothed at all by this, if anything it seems to be agitating him more if the way he keeps rubbing at his neck and lighting up cigarettes is anything to go by. Dirk has noticed he doesn’t always smoke them, sometimes he just stares as they burn down and drops them just before they burn his fingers. It’s odd, but he doesn’t have the first idea how to bring it up. Todd has a lot of odd habits that he’s starting to put together no matter how little he wants to. He finds himself wishing he understood less a lot of the time, and as unforthcoming as Todd is verbally, everything else about him is a screaming red flag. Even so, his black eye has all but disappeared and the ring of bruises around his neck have risen through purples to yellows and greens, the ones around his wrists going much the same way. Dirk doesn’t know much about the rest of his body but he suspects it’s the same there as well. He wonders if it will be any easier to look at him once they’ve all faded away. He wonders how long it will take for them to reappear once they manage to find a way to switch them back. If they manage to find a way. 

“Do you really want him back?” he asks without thinking, something that’s always on his mind whenever he notices the damage that could only have been left by him, physical or otherwise. He’s managed not to say it so far, but apparently that luck had run out. Todd freezes in place, cigarette halfway to his mouth as he very pointedly doesn’t look at Dirk. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” there’s something in his voice that makes Dirk think it’s less of an actual question and more of a challenge, almost like Todd is daring him to say it. His mouth feels dry all of a sudden and he shakes his head. 

“Never mind. Forget I said anything,” he tries for a smile but he can’t quite make it happen on his face. Todd is silent for a while, tipping his head to rest on the back of the sofa while he blows smoke up into the air above him. Dirk does stare at that. Blatantly. 

“Why do you care?” he asks abruptly, breaking the silence with all the subtlety of a brick through a window. 

“I’m sorry?” he sounds as uncertain as he feels, wanting to be sure of what Todd’s even asking him before he tries to give him an answer. 

“Him being back means you’ll be back with yours, right?” it doesn’t really make it any clearer and Dirk just grasps for what he hopes is the right answer. 

“I… would hope so. Yes.” At least he desperately wants that to be the case. He’s not willing to consider another option.

“So why do you care?” Todd has rolled his head back to watch him lengthways along the sofa, and Dirk can see the guardedness in his eyes. It makes it hard to tell what he’s thinking.

“About… what, exactly?” the eye roll is something he’d recognise anywhere, even if this one seems to hold much more contempt.

“ _Me_.” He says it like it’s obvious, but it hits Dirk like a punch to the gut and for a moment it’s all he can do to keep himself from leaving his mouth hanging open like a fish. 

He wonders if his Todd wonders that too, and makes the decision to make sure there’s no room for doubt as soon as he gets back. But right now he isn’t back, he’s here with a Todd who is not his, not that Todd is _his_ as such but this Todd _definitely_ isn’t, and he’s raising an expectant eyebrow at him like he should have said something by now. 

It’s a much more complicated question in this situation than it would otherwise be. 

“I…” Dirk gestures vaguely at him, and Todd raises his eyebrow higher. “Just… you have _seen_ yourself haven’t you?”

Todd bristles, and Dirk realises abruptly it was probably the wrong thing to say and holds his hands up placatingly. 

“Not… that sounded wrong. It’s just… you can’t be _happy,_ surely?” he feels almost like he’s pleading with him now, Todd doesn’t seem receptive to it in the slightest. 

“I don’t need you to understand it.” It’s tight, defensive even and this time Dirk is the one to roll his eyes, Todd always falls back on that and it’s getting frustrating. 

“Good, because I _don’t_. You’re _scared_ of him, of me, whatever. That’s not… you have to know that’s not a _good_ thing. Why would you want that back?” 

“It’s _different_ ,” Todd insists, voice hard. 

“How? Because as far as I can see it looks like every other case of -” there are a few words he could say there, but Todd cuts him off before he can get any of them out. Abuse clearly isn’t a word he’d be receptive to.

“Don’t you fucking _dare_.” He considers saying it anyway.

“What?” and it’s not like him to needle, not _really_ , but he’s tired and frustrated and he wants to go home. It makes it easier to want to get under somebody else's skin as well. “Would hearing it make it too real? I _know_ what it’s like to cling to people who hurt you because you think they love you, but you _shouldn’t_. You deserve better than that.”

Todd barks out a laugh, it’s stilted and unhappy and Dirk doesn’t think he’s ever heard a sound quite like it. 

“I _know_ he doesn’t fucking _love_ me. You think I’m stupid? You think I’m just trapped here waiting for someone to come and rescue me from, what? My own inability to see ‘the truth’?” he makes the little quotations with his fingers, the ash that falls onto his jeans with the movement seemingly going unnoticed. “I’m not with him because I think he loves me, I’m with him because… it feels _right_. I don’t fit anywhere else, but I fit with _him_. I’m…” the word _special_ balances on the tip of his tongue but he swallows it down, embarrassed to even have thought of it. “If I was anyone else I’d be _dead_ by now, you don’t even know… I want to be with him, and he wants me. Being wanted by even one person is _more_ than I deserve,” he shakes his head, turning away to drag on what’s left of his cigarette. 

There’s so much wrong that Dirk doesn’t even know where to start. He knows he should probably take a step back and try and parse through it calmly before coming up with a solution to tackle what is clearly layers and layers of damage at this point, but like most things he _should_ do that isn’t what happens at all. Instead he shouts the first and most obvious thing that comes to mind like he might be able to shock Todd out of it. “He’s _using_ you!”

Todd turns back to him, eyes wild when he hisses, “maybe I _want_ him to use me!” 

It’s enough to shock Dirk into silence, which is the opposite of what he’d hoped for, and he stares uncomprehendingly at him. There is no world in which that will make sense to him.

“Do you think it will keep you safe, is that what it is?” he still doesn’t understand, but he’s worried about admitting that to Todd in case it makes him less likely to listen to him.

“I’m already safe. He won’t- he’d never _hurt_ me,” Dirk’s eyes are drawn immediately to the obvious bruising and Todd shakes his head. “That’s _different._ You don’t- You don’t know me. You don’t know _him_ , and you’re about as far from him as you could _possibly_ get so I don’t expect you to understand. But he wants me, and I-” he swallows around the word, but Dirk can fill in the blank anyway. It makes his heart ache for some unknown reason. “ _I want him_. We have each other and that’s enough. That’s- It’s so much _more_ than you could ever understand. So, shut the fuck up about it, okay?”

Todd, Dirk realises belatedly, is trembling. For a moment he assumes it’s rage, restrained just barely only for the fact that Todd wouldn’t hit him, but there’s something else in his eyes now and Dirk can see it. It’s not fear, he doesn’t think, not entirely, but desperation perhaps. Todd looks like he’s slipping with no guarantee of being caught. Asking him to stop talking about it isn’t a threat, it’s a plea. For a moment Dirk considers pushing him anyway, but he can’t bring himself to do it even if it would get through to him. He doesn’t think the risk is worth it.

“You don’t have to be so aggressive,” he concedes. He’s aiming for a joke but it falls flat. 

“And what the fuck are you going to do about it?” Todd sounds like he’s aiming for a fight, poking at him in the hopes he’ll retaliate. His stomach turns when he thinks of what response he would usually get. What response he’s _hoping_ for. Todd is difficult to talk to at the best of times, and that’s in a universe where Dirk knows him. This is something he hasn’t the first idea how to deal with. 

“Nothing,” he sighs, shaking his head. 

Todd snorts, but it doesn’t hide his disappointment. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

Dirk does turn towards him a little though, considering. “Unless you fancy a cup of tea and a hug?”

“What?” Todd’s eyes are wider than he’s ever seen them, and he’s looking at him like Dirk has grown an extra head and he’s going to run screaming from the room any second. 

“That’s usually what happens after we fight. Well, it tends to take a few hours but…” he shrugs, clearing his throat and telling himself it’s a good idea. “It’s as good a way to end it as any.”

Todd’s jaw works as he considers his words. “You call that a fight?” it’s hesitant, like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Not up to your usual standards, I know. But it was a _disagreement_ and they tend to end the same way.” Most of their days did, actually. Sometimes with Farah, sometimes without. Usually with Mona as a blanket. He misses them dearly. 

“I thought you two weren’t fucking?” it’s the last thing Dirk expects to hear and he looks over at him in alarm.

“We’re not!” he hastens to clarify. “Not at all! Nothing of the sort it’s- No. Nothing like that.”

Todd doesn’t look very much like he buys that. “Then why are you hugging him?”

Dirk stares at him uncomprehendingly, feeling very much like he’s missed something. “Because he’s my friend?” 

“We’re not friends,” Todd states, even though it’s an entirely unnecessary reminder. “I’m not him.”

“Well, no but-”

“If you’re trying to pity me, then _don’t_.”

“I’m not! It’s _literally_ just a hug,” he shakes his head despairingly. “Forget it. I don’t know why I asked.”

“Because you think I need it or some shit. You feel sorry for me,” he stubs the last of his cigarette out with it. 

“Believe me, the only person I’m feeling sorry for right now is _myself_.” God only knows how he ended up in a world where Todd wouldn’t give two shits if he punched him in the face but would protest a goddamn _hug_ , but he would very much like to go home. 

There’s a long bout of silence where Dirk just buries his face in his hands. Todd smokes his way through another cigarette in the meantime, and takes him entirely by surprise when he says. 

“ _Fine_.”

“I’m sorry?” Dirk asks, sounding as bewildered as he feels. 

“I- You want a hug? Then _fine._ ” Todd looks very much like he’s just agreed to be fed to a pack of starving lions, but he’s got that determined look on his face that Dirk knows means he won't be talked out of it so easily. 

“Oh. I- yes. Right. I suppose… um…” he stands up, dusting himself off and holding his arms out looking for all the world like he’s about to demonstrate hugging. “Come here then!” he tries for light, like this doesn’t bother him, but there’s definitely far too much tension in his voice for that to be believable. 

Todd eyes him warily, pushing himself up off the couch and approaching him like a very suspicious cat. Keeping his eyes trained on him and moving as slowly as he can. Dirk responds in kind by holding himself as still as possible, trying not to spook him. It’s an odd interaction, and he’s starting to think it will never end, but then Todd is standing in his space awkwardly, looking up at him like he’s not sure what to do next. Dirk swallows heavily, and then wraps his arms around him to pull him close. 

The thought that Todd might stab him crosses his mind, but at this point he thinks there’s very little that could surprise him and he’d just have to find a way to roll with it if such a situation occurred. 

For a moment it’s the most awkward hug of his _life_. Todd is just standing there, stiff as anything while Dirk holds onto him. He’s about to let go and call it at least a marginal success, the fact that Todd is here at all is almost miraculous. Before he can move to do just that, Todd leans in a little closer, bringing his arms up in what has to be the most apprehensive move to hug someone Dirk has ever been a part of. It’s still stiff once Todd gets his arms around him, and he wonders if maybe he should say something, but then Todd is sighing and leaning his head against his shoulder, pressing in closer and relaxing into him and Dirk can’t do anything but wrap his arms tighter around him and turn to press his nose into his hair. It’s not like hugging his Todd. This one smells like cigarettes for starters, he doesn’t hold him in the same way, is clearly more reluctant about it, but it’s close. If he closes his eyes and breathes in deep he almost smells the same past the smoke. If he ducks his head in a little more he can forget where he is for a moment. 

“Is he-” he whispers after a moment, voice shaky and uncertain. “Is he going to hurt him?” and he _hates_ how he should be worried about this Todd right here but all he can think about is his own, trapped with the person who did this. The person who made it so Todd thinks he deserves to be treated this way, that he should be _grateful_ for it even. The person who's fault it is that Todd is trembling right now just because Dirk is holding him gently. It fills him with guilt and shame but he _needs_ to know.

“Yeah.” Todd says, a soft whisper that could easily have been missed if they weren't pressed so close. Dirk feels cold all of a sudden, tightening his hold for his own comforts sake and trying so hard not to worry. Todd didn't have a single doubt about it, Dirk could have worked with maybe, hell _probably_ would have been better than this. It just makes him feel more helpless, more lost. Todd is going to be hurt by _him_ and there's nothing he can do about it. 

“Is he going to hurt you, when he gets back?” He doesn't know why he's asking, other than that he's started on his road now and he feels like he can't stop himself.

He feels it when Todd nods against him, “he'll want to.”

Dirk shifts just a little, holding onto him better. “Will you let him?”

Todd swallows, presses his face into Dirks shoulder. “I want him to.”

“Why?” he says it before he can stop himself, they're still whispering like children sharing secrets at a sleepover, but even he can hear the confusion in his voice, the desperation to understand.

“I miss him,” Todd tells him from his hiding spot. “At least… at least that way I know he missed me too.”

Dirk squeezes his eyes shut, swallowing down everything he wants to say. Instead he just cups the back of Todd's head carefully. “You could leave. You _could._ ” 

Todd shakes his head vehemently, fisting his hands into the back of Dirks shirt. “I don't- I _like_ being his. I don't have anything without him he's- he's _everything_. He's everything.” He says it like he's asking him to understand, and if he digs hard enough into his past then he can a little, but not when it's Todd. Not when it's this. Then smaller, softer, “I can't leave him on his own. He _needs_ me.”

Dirk knows firsthand just how much he needs Todd, how much he wants the other man to understand that. This Todd does, but _desperately,_ like he can't live in a world where it's not true. He doesn't know if it would be more or less cruel to tell him that he should be putting his own needs first. He can't bring himself to say it though, there's something haunting about how much Todd needs to believe that, like he's based his entire reason for being around it. He wonders if Dirk has ever told him just how true that is.

“He does,” he tells him, even if he doesn't know if it's the right thing to say, because it's true. He thinks Todd could use some truth right now. “He needs you.” I need you, he thinks. I need you to help me get home, so I can tell my Todd how much I need him. It doesn't come though, they've said enough and when they break apart the safety and quiet of the moment will be over. He tugs him a little closer. 

If Todd’s trembling turns to clinging at some point he doesn’t say anything. 

They’re both pretending to be somewhere else, and he supposes that’s good enough for now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was debating posting this one, but I figured why the hell not while clearing out my WIPs and trying to get things a little more organised. 
> 
> Warnings for some... not entirely consensual kissing? It's not _too_ bad but I'd rather warn than not. Also Todd is an unstable mess so, be careful with that. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy?

The problem isn’t necessarily that Todd is watching him, it’s more that Dirk can never quite manage to catch him doing it. 

He knows he is, of course. Dirk spent most of his formative years being watched one way or another, and he knows what it feels like to be under observation, but whenever he feels Todd’s eyes on him he’s already turned away by the time Dirk turns to look at him. He knows the longer he doesn’t look up the longer Todd stares, and it’s difficult to work out a way to ask what it is he’s looking for when he can’t even prove that he’s _is_ looking. He’s fairly sure Todd would deny it if he caught him at it anyway. 

“I’m going out,” it takes him by surprise. Despite the staring Todd has been, for the most part, completely silent for the last few hours no matter how often Dirk has tried to goad him into conversation. He seems anxious, and not in a way he thinks means anything good. He doesn’t think he should let him go alone.

“Oh! Alright. I’ll-” but Todd cuts him off. 

“No,” his hands are clenched into fists but he doesn’t look like he’s about to use them. “No, I- It’s… personal. I need to go and see someone. Just… stay here. It won’t take long.”

“Are you sure you’re okay to go on your own?” he asks, frowning with concern. Todd lingers on the expression, something in his gaze he can’t quite figure out and his hand drifts up to brush against the base of his throat, the bruises there healed to the point that if Dirk didn’t know they were there then he wouldn’t be able to spot them. He had thought that would be a good thing, now he’s not so sure. 

“I’m fine. I can handle myself. Just... stay here, you don’t need to wait up for me,” he snaps. Dirk knows that tone well enough, so he just nods. Sometimes it’s best just to let Todd do his own thing.

“Alright then,” he thinks it’s obvious that he’s not too happy about it, but he doesn’t make any move to stop him. “Have fun, I suppose.”

Todd’s answer is a strange look, a single nod, and the slam of the door on the way out. 

The apartment seems unfamiliar and quiet without him. Dirk just sighs and turns back to his laptop, scrolling through unhelpful articles about temporal shifts and trying to ignore the niggling worry in the back of his head. 

*

It’s three hours later when Todd comes back, throwing the door open with no less force than he’d used to close it earlier. Dirk is making his sixth(?) cup of tea since he’d left, and the sound of his arrival fills him with relief.

The sight of him however, does not. 

“Todd! What on _earth_ happened?” he sets his mug down haphazardly, rushing over to meet him, but when he reaches out to him Todd grabs his wrist before he can touch and throws his hand away. 

“I’m fine,” he says it like nothing has happened and Dirk just shakes his head. 

“You are _not_ fine! You’re…” his lip is split and bleeding, a bruise forming on the left side of his jaw, and a matching one under his eye. From the way he’s holding himself Dirk is sure there’s more than that hidden under his clothing, and his knuckles are left bruised and bloody themselves so this clearly hadn’t been one sided. “What _happened_?” 

“I got into a fight,” he shrugs, like it happens all the time. 

“Over _what_?” Dirk knows Todd sometimes jumps before he thinks where defending people is involved, but something tells him this isn’t that.

“Nothing. Just a bar fight.” Unforthcoming as ever then, at least some things didn’t change. 

“Well _something_ must have started it,” perhaps it’s a little petulant, but he’s concerned. He thinks he’s allowed to be. 

Todd snorts, shakes his head as he wipes away the blood from his lip. “Yeah, _I_ did.”

Dirk has no answer to that for a moment. “You… _why_?”

“Well that fucking _figures_ ,” Todd turns on him, and Dirk has lost track of the conversation entirely. 

“What do you mean?”

Todd shakes his head, the smirk that makes its way onto his face is as unpleasant as it is defensive, Dirk knows. 

“It figures that yours is just as _soft_ as you are. What, he never gets into fights? Can’t say I’m surprised when you’re like _this_ ,” he sneers, not specifying what exactly ‘this’ is but Dirk can take a pretty good guess. “You’d better hope he’s a fast learner then, if he’s afraid to throw a punch he’s gonna get the _shit_ kicked out of him. I mean, he probably will anyway but if he can’t even put up a fight,” he shrugs. “You might be planning a funeral when you get home.”

And he’d known it was bad, he _knows_ , but he’s been trying so hard not to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about Todd with him, a him that could turn Todd into _this_. It’s unpleasant and scary, a helpless feeling that’s far out of his control but _god_ he doesn’t want him hurt, particularly not by someone with his face. 

“He’s not _soft_ ,” which is a lie, Todd can be unbearably soft sometimes, but not in the way he means it. “He’s strong, and he’s _brave,_ and he’s _more_ than willing to punch someone. So maybe… maybe _your_ me will be in for a surprise!”

“Oh yeah?” Todd’s eyebrows are raised and mocking. “Maybe he will, but I doubt it’ll go over _well_. How good is he at doing what he’s told?”

Dirk swallows, wide eyed. He doesn’t answer. 

“That’s what I thought,” he laughs, but it’s not a happy sound. “God, he doesn’t stand a _chance_ , and _you_?” he shakes his head. “You’re just… do you have _any_ idea what he’d do if I came home like this? Fuck, if he was here I wouldn’t _have_ to go out in the first place. This is just…” he throws his arms up in the air as he turns away, “ _great._ ”

Todd is shaking now, just a little but it’s there. Dirk would like to believe it’s anger, but he doesn’t think it is, not really. He knows Todd well enough to know how many emotions he’d rather were misread that way. 

“Todd-” he doesn’t know what he’s going to say, he knows he has to try something but Todd shuts him down almost immediately.

“No. Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”

“ _Todd_ -” he tries again, but this time Todd whirls back round to face him, pointing an accusatory finger from across the room.

“Stop _talking_ to me like that!” 

Dirk frowns, confused. “Like what?”

“Like I’m- Like _you_ -” he makes a frustrated sound, tugging at his hair. “Just _stop it_.”

“I don’t-” he is wildly out of his depth, and what Todd says next doesn’t help in the slightest. 

“If I hit you right now, what would you do?”

Dirk takes a half step back, even though Todd doesn’t make a move to do anything of the sort. 

“I… don’t really know, honestly.”

“Would you hit me back?” he’s angry, Dirk notes, but he doesn’t think it’s directed at him.

“Probably not?” he shrugs, palms to the ceiling like he’s unsure whether or not that’s something he should apologise for.

“Not even once?” there’s disbelief in his voice, and all Dirk can do is shake his head.

“I… don’t want to hurt you.” Never. Not in any world does he _ever_ want to hurt Todd. It hurts enough just _seeing_ him like this. 

“Well isn’t that just _perfect_. God. You can’t _honestly_ get shit done like that though, right? What, does he hit people for you?”

“Not really?” Dirk is fast losing track of this conversation. He doesn't have the first idea why Todd is worked up in the first place, let alone why he's asking about _this_. Still, he does his best to give him the answers he thinks he wants. “I mean, sometimes. If we’re in danger. But I’d never _expect_ him to he’s just… like that.”

“What about when he pisses you off?” Todd is needling, looking for something that Dirk doesn't know how to give him, or if it's something he should be giving him at all.

“He doesn’t?” he can't think of a time when he's found Todd infuriating rather than just annoying. “Not really, anyway. He can be stubborn and _very_ uncooperative but that’s… who he is. I like him like that.”

Something in Todd’s expression changes, softening his frustration into confusion. “You like him?”

“… Yes?” 

“He’s stubborn and uncooperative, and you _like_ that?” he sounds suspicious, like he finds the idea ridiculous. 

“He’s my best friend,” and more, maybe. Now isn't the time for that though. “You’re _meant_ to like your best friend.” 

“There’s _nothing_ he could do to make you hit him?” 

Dirk shakes his head. “No, absolutely not.”

Todd considers him for a long moment, before nodding his head conclusively. “He’s going to die.”

“What?” it's such an abrupt turn into something he's been trying to avoid that it feels like the bottom has dropped out of his stomach. Todd just shrugs.

“There’s no _way_ he’s getting out of this alive. You get that, right?” he looks almost smug about having knocked him off balance with it. 

“I don’t-” he can feel the panic starting to rise in his throat, and the way Todd's eyes darken when he spots it is no mistake. It's what he wanted.

“You’ve never even hit him _once_. He isn’t gonna know what to do, and if he’s as _stubborn_ as you say he is he’s _fucked_ ,” he laughs. Dirk clenches his hands into fists at his sides and tries very hard to stop himself from crying.

“ _Stop_ it,” even he can hear the plea in his voice that wasn't supposed to be there. Todd smirks, and Dirk has the sudden realisation that he's trying to lead him into something.

“ _Make me_.”

“I-”

“No?” Todd steps forward, advancing on him, and Dirk can’t do anything but step back. “Even if he doesn’t kill him, he’s going to teach him some _very_ painful lessons.”

“Don’t…” and god he wishes he could stop his voice from shaking, “don’t _say_ that.”

“Why? What are you going to do about it?” Todd is still advancing, and Dirk is very aware that he’s going to run out of space to keep backing away from him soon enough. Todd reaches out to shove at his shoulder and shakes his head when he doesn't move to stop him. “You’re not going to do anything, are you?”

“Why are you-” but it's no good, not now he's worked out how to get to him.

“Can’t help him, _won’t_ stop me. What _exactly_ is the point of you?”

The tears are mostly frustration, but Todd is right, he isn’t going to do anything. He _can't_ do anything. He wants to say something, _do_ something but he's drawing a blank when all he can think about is what could be happening with his Todd right now and the sudden crushing realisation that he might not even be there for him to come back to at the end of this.

Then suddenly Todd lunges, and he doesn’t _have_ to think about anything but this.

Their mouths meet in a messy clash of teeth. Dirk lets out a surprised yelp when Todd pulls him in by his jacket but it doesn’t seem to put him off any, just presses in closer like if he keeps kissing him Dirk will give him what he wants. He _can’t_ give him what he wants.

He does kiss him back though, just for a minute before he realises what he's doing and he puts his hands on his shoulders to hold him away.

“Todd, I- um, I don’t think this is-” he tries, but Todd lets out a small frustrated growl, pushing him backwards. Dirk flails for a moment before he lands quite safely on the sofa, too stunned to move as Todd climbs into his lap and all but pins him in place. He barely has chance to catch a breath before Todd’s mouth is on his again, all kinds of insistent that, he realises belatedly, is more desperation than anything. 

“We should-” Todd ignores him, silencing his protests with his mouth as he starts shedding his jacket and working Dirk out of his. He keeps kissing him, small, angry things that he doesn’t know what to do with. Kissing Todd, although admittedly something he’d never tried before, had never been quite like this whenever he’d thought about it. 

“You’re not _thinking-_ ” he starts when he finally pulls back, but Todd just shakes his head, reaching for his wrists and Dirk lets him, bewildered for a moment as he watches him bring them up until Dirk’s hands are resting at the base of his neck. He understands quite suddenly what he wants, looking up at him with wide eyes, but Todd’s hands hold his wrists firmly in place when he tries to pull his hands back.

“ _Please_ ,” he can see it in his eyes now he’s close enough, how much Todd is slipping. There’s a wildness there that seems almost unhinged, like he’s drifting somewhere without anything to hold onto. Dirk wonders how long this has been happening right in front of him, how many signs he’s missed in the last few weeks. He wonders what else Todd has been doing to manage it, or if he’s just been holding out hope that everything will be fixed before he snaps. Nothing is fixed, Dirk is starting to wonder if it ever will be. 

“I-I don’t-” this is something he's entirely unprepared for, and he can't for the life of him work out where he's supposed to start.

“Please. Just- just this one thing. I won’t ask for anything else I… I _know_ it won’t be the same but… it’s so _close_ I…” Todd is so close to crying, he can feel it under his hands when he swallows. “I won’t- I won’t push you again, I won’t- _please_. Just this once. I need- I need _something_.”

Dirk so desperately wants to believe he’d do anything for Todd. Anything he asked for, anything he _needed_ , he's not sure he could say no to any of that. This, it turns out, is a step beyond anything he’d ever thought he’d ask for. 

“I’m sorry,” it comes out barely more than a whisper. “I can’t do that,” and he _is_ sorry, but he knows that the image, the _feeling_ of it would stick in his mind forever and he’d never be able to stop feeling guilty. 

“You _can_ ,” he sounds more than a little distressed at the realisation Dirk is saying no. “Look, just, it’s not even that _difficult_.”

“Somehow I think _strangling_ you would be incredibly difficult,” he laughs, sounding a little hysterical.

“It’s not…” Todd huffs out a frustrated sigh. “It's more like choking, really. All you have to do is hold on.”

“And stop you from breathing!” he tries pulling back again to no avail. “This is… no. I’m sorry Todd, but I can’t do this. This is _insane_ ,” and awful, so awful he can barely comprehend it.

Todd presses forward, keeping his grip tight as he leans in and it's enough pressure for Dirk to feel the shortness of his breath when he presses their mouths together far more gently than he had before.

“ _Please,_ ” he whispers, but Dirk just shakes his head.

“No. I- I can't- I don't want-” Todd just whines and presses in closer as Dirk tries to work his hands out of his grip. “Todd,” he tries softly, switching to something firmer when that doesn't seem to work. “ _Todd,_ stop it!”

To Dirks surprise he actually does, freezing in place like he's not sure what to do next and Dirk can feel himself panicking but he has to take the opportunity while he has it. 

“I- Let go of my hands,” it feels _wrong_ when Todd does as he's told, staring somewhere just over Dirk’s shoulder as he tries to work out what on _earth_ is going on.

“I'm sorry,” Todd offers, breaking the silence between them, sounding empty and hollow. “I'm going to-”

“Wait!” Dirk catches his wrist before he can move, fighting past the desire to collapse in relief. “Where-” he licks his lips uncertainly, “where are you going?”

Todd meets his gaze for a brief moment, and the pain he sees there is enough to steal his breath. “Out.”

“Out…” Dirk reaches up to trace the bruising on his cheek as gently as he can. “Out?” 

Todd closes his eyes, smiling bitterly to himself as he does. “Yeah.”

“You don't have to,” or rather, Dirk doesn't want him to. The thought of him going out and getting into _another_ fight for reasons he can't comprehend seems like far, far too much to deal with.

“There's nothing for me here.”

It shouldn't hurt, but it does, and he doesn't know how to protest without making it worse. 

“There's me?”

Todd snorts derisively, but there's an edge of softness to his gaze when he shakes his head. “You- you're just gonna be all… _nice_ and whatever. I don't need that.”

“And you need someone to… what? Beat you up?” Dirk raises an eyebrow in challenge, but it's one Todd takes easily.

“It'll do for now,” he shrugs. “It's not… it's _wrong,_ and he'll hate it, but it's better than nothing.”

“Why will he hate it?” 

“Because they're not his,” he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. “I'm not- he hates when other people touch me. I hate it too.” 

“But… not when it's him?”

“It's different when it's him.”

“How?”

Todd just shakes his head, and Dirk fully expects he isn't going to get an answer. 

“He _means_ it,” he says, choosing his words carefully. “It means something. It means _I_ mean something.”

“You would still mean something without him.”

His fingers are still resting against his cheek where Todd has yet to push him away. Dirk wants to pull him in closer, but he doesn't move for fear of scaring him off. 

“He's mine too, you know?” Todd tells him, voice soft and resigned. “It doesn't just work one way. I'd die before I'd let someone take him away from me.” 

“But if he hurts you…”

“It's what I need. It's… I dunno. It helps me stay in control. If it wasn't him it would be someone else, at least this way I know what I'm getting. It's… important.”

“Why do you need to be hurt at _all_ though?”

“It's good for me.”

Dirk frowns, at that. “How?”

“I've-” Todd sighs heavily. “I've done a lot of shit. I've hurt a lot of people, everyone I care about. So maybe… maybe it's, I dunno, to make up for that. And maybe it's to stop me doing it again. And… maybe it's just a good way to… be useful? To mean something. I don't know. It's a _good_ thing. It _is,”_ he can see the disbelief on Dirks face and rushes to convince him. “It makes me feel… better. I guess. Everything else it leaves is just… comforting. It's proof.”

“Proof of what?” He's lost entirely, heart sinking every time Todd clings to his justifications. He desperately wants him to say something that makes sense, something that he can counter, but shooting down his reasoning just seems cruel and that's the last thing he wants to be.

“That I'm not on my own. There's at least one person who wants me, and he wants me more than he wants anyone else. And I… I want _him_. That's not a bad thing, you know?”

Dirk just stares at him for a very long time, not sure he can trust anything that might come out of his mouth. It's obvious there's little that would convince him, but Dirk doesn't even know what he'd do if he _managed_ to convince him. It doesn't seem like he has many other options, and if he does, Dirk doesn't know about them.

“I wouldn't hit him,” is what he says eventually. “But I think… he'd probably hit me back if I did.”

Todd tilts his head in acknowledgement. 

“Maybe he'll stand a chance then,” he tells him offhandedly, climbing off Dirk’s lap to drop down onto the sofa beside him. The space he leaves behind feeling oddly cold.

“I hope so,” more than anything. “I…” he laughs, either at himself or the realisation. “I think I might… be a little bit in love with him, actually.” 

Todd snorts, “yeah? No shit.” He sounds a little resentful, lighting up his own cigarette and holding one out to Dirk in question. Dirk eyes him for a moments before he sighs heavily and takes it from him, humming his thanks when Todd passes him the lighter.

It's been a while since he's done this, or even felt the need to really, but he settles back into it easily. Some habits never really leave.

“Think he loves you?” Todd asks, picking at a loose thread in his jeans and pointedly avoiding his gaze.

Dirk just shakes his head. “I don't have the first idea. Perhaps? I'm not exactly…”

“What?”

“Good? With that sort of thing, I mean. People. Emotions. Understanding things. It would be nice though, I suppose.”

Todd glances over to him briefly. “You're not that bad. Mostly.”

Dirk takes another drag and wrinkles his nose at the taste of the smoke. “I'll consider that high praise, coming from you.”

“Yeah, well. You're not going to get any more so... enjoy it,” he snipes, rolling his eyes at him. It's enough to make Dirk smile.

“ _Sometimes_ , you're so alarmingly familiar.”

“You never are.” But he's lying, Dirk knows he is, Todd has always been such a terrible liar. He wants to call him out on it, but he doesn't want to upset the fragile peace they've created.

“Do you want me to be?”

Todd hesitates, letting out a slow and steady stream of smoke before he answers. “No. Well. Sometimes, but…” he looks him over thoughtfully. “It wouldn't suit you.”

Dirk can't help the way it makes him perk up, smiling with relief he didn't know he'd needed to feel before now. The corner of Todd's mouth twitches up in response, shaking his head at the reaction.

“You're such…” he rolls his eyes heavily instead of finishing the thought. “He's probably in love with you,” he says, rushed and mumbled but still enough for Dirk to catch.

“Really?” Todd has already stood up from the couch, but Dirk leans forward as he watches after him. His shoulders are tense in a familiar way, but they slump when he sighs.

“He's an idiot if he's not.”

Even though he thought makes him happier than he's felt since he got here, something about the way he says it send a sharp pain into his chest. 

“You can be an idiot a _lot_ of the time though,” he tries. It's enough to startle a short burst of laughter from Todd, and Dirk settles back into the sofa, content to let him be for now.

“Yeah,” he admits, picking up their mugs on his way to the kitchen, all thoughts of leaving seemingly forgotten. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> So there we have it, they're doing just _that_ well. 
> 
> I'm not really expecting many comments on this fic, but I'll take them if you have them and I appreciate them (and people's interest in this series) a lot. I might actually have a third part for this dynamic at some point, and I have some around for Dark!Dirk and Dark!Todd as well, but understandably they're _far_ darker. We'll see how these do first.
> 
> If for some reason you read the tags, didn't like it, and read it anyway you can keep those comments to yourself.


End file.
